It's Wednesday. Let's Work It.

Vol. 119 I’m the first lady of Juicy Couture

HelloZ

Well, if it isn’t Wednesday again. Looks like we’re all here, so let’s get this newZletter rolling!

If you got the reference in the subtitle or if you’ve asked the man in your life how often they think of the Roman Empire, congratulations! You’ve made it to the Extremely Online level. It’s a blast here! I mean it gets dark but we are all super funny about it. Today we’ve got a lineup of crazy newZ, your hot goss on the latest showZ, and the best laughs that made it onto the internet this week. 

Tube Girl confidence, LFG. 

---

Media AffairZ 

• Turn on the kettle darling. TikTok is in hot water in Europe — to the tune of $368 million in fines. Ireland’s Data Protection Commission found that the social media platform failed to protect children’s privacy during the sign-up process, which enabled public viewing and commenting on teen users’ accounts. No word yet on what the dance challenge will be for the hearing coverage.   

• Former WanerMedia CEO Jason Kilar has joined the board of directors of Roblox, signaling the platform’s intentions to expand beyond gaming. Kids. They grow so fast. And someone needs to capitalize on those Robux spending habits. 

• What’s that? You think it’s crazy to pay $18 a month for Hulu? WELL DID YOU KNOW they have a new feature??? Last week, Hulu launched its Top 15 Today list, which compiles the day’s most popular titles on the platform. It’s in the news and everything. Going the extra mile. Giving the people what they really want.

• Apple has a new iPhone 15 and 15 Pro with a new charger and it feels like I’ve written this story before. Blah blah blah Apple Watch. Blah blah blah 95% titanium. Blah 72-hour battery blah. Blah.  

• After reports surfaced last week that Disney is exploring the possibility of selling ABC, the company issued a statement saying actually, no, babe. “While we are open to considering a variety of strategic options for our linear businesses, at this time The Walt Disney Company has made no decision with respect to the divestiture of ABC or any other property and any report to that effect is unfounded,” said the company. I mean is that not the most legal-ese “Nah, you tripping,” you’ve ever read or what???  

  ---

ShowZ

• In newZ we can all agree is relieving, Vanna White will be staying on Wheel of Fortune through at least the 2025-26 season, joining new host Ryan Seacrest who takes the reins from Pat Sajak next fall. 

• Guess The Wonder Years were not so golden. ABC canceled the reboot of the childhood classic after 2 seasons. 

• Drew Barry Less. The Drew Barrymore show will not premiere this week after all, in a reverse switcheroo known as backpedaling. After scathing backlash for announcing that her show would premiere without its union writers (who are still on strike), the actress-turned-daytime-talk-show-host pulled an “Oh shit, never mind.” Sunday night on Instagram, she wrote “I have listened to everyone, and I am making the decision to pause the show’s premiere until the strike is over.” 

• RHODUI. Real Housewives of Orange County star Shannon Beador was charged with misdemeanor charges of hit-and-run and driving under the influence of alcohol after crashing her car in a residential neighborhood this past weekend.

  ---

NewZ 

• Rumor has it Kim Kardashian has found a new human hobby love interest. A source confirmed she and NFL player Odell Beckham Jr. have “made a connection.”  

• ET Telefono Casa. Last week, Mexican politicians were presented with supposed evidence that “We are not alone” in the universe. The evidence in this case was the ‘mummified’ corpses of aliens that look exactly like E.T. Do we think the aliens are offended at this point? Like they had to think they would have been a bigger deal. Embarrassing, no?

• Terrible, Horrible, No Good Very Bad Men: Earlier this month, actor Danny Masterson was sentenced to 30 years to life in prison for multiple counts of rape. Multiple sexual assault accusations have also surfaced against comedic actor Russell Brand, who claims it’s a conspiracy against him because of his recent affiliation with right-wing views.  

• In lighter but still quite concerning news, this week, the Marines lost a whole-ass fighter jet. For reasons still unknown, shortly after takeoff in Charleston, SC this past Sunday afternoon, the F35’s pilot ejected from the stealth fighter jet and safely parachuted into someone’s backyard — while the unmanned plane continued flying. Shortly after ejection, the Marine base in Charleston posted on social media: "If you have any information on the whereabouts of the F-35, please call our Base Defense Operations Center." Like it’s a poorly trained Goldendoodle that ran away. Nobody knew where the F35 was or what happened to it, until Monday night when wreckage was discovered in a rural area. Also nobody reported the crash. 😳

  ---

FunnieZ

You made it to the best part.

That’s all, friendZ!

BTW — are you all in the ZlataThoughts Slack Community? Make sure you join in on the fun!

You can also leave your email for me here in the comments or respond to me with it.

And don’t forget to SHARE my Substack if you LOVE my Substack! Thank you x 1,000,000!

xo

Z.