Friday FunnieZ + NewZ

Vol. 109 Attenzione, Pickpocket!

Happy Friday, friendZ. It’s hot as balls so let’s keep it moving. It was a wild news week but we all lived to tell about it. (Well, most of us.) Members of the United States Senate are aging in dramatic fashion, on camera and everything. Are Alix and Braxton toast? Aliens are real and we’re all too depressed and anxious to care. And that’s just the half of it! We’ve got a fun newZ lineup and a big long list of perfect jokes to send you off into the weekend. 

In the words of the always-perfect Ina Garten, “Well, this is what I do. You can do whatever the f— you want to do. And I'm just having fun here.”

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Ask Z Anything

Let’s do an AZA on Wednesday, August 2nd at 12pm. Please click here to RSVP. You must be a paid subscriber to attend.

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NewZ

• Sinead O’Connor passed away this week. 

• Aliens are real. At least according to whistleblowers at a Congressional hearing this week, where former military officers testified that the U.S. government is concealing a decades-long program involving “unidentified aerial phenomena,” (AKA UF fkng Os) and reverse engineering of such craft. Perhaps more notable than the testimony is that the world by and large has shrugged its shoulders and the news. What’s wrong with us???

• We’re all in hot water. This week, water in the Florida Keys reached record sea surface temperatures of more than 100 degrees fahrenheit.  

• Lana Del Ray is working at a Waffle House and no one knows why. 

• Ariana Grande’s new boyfriend is Ethan Slater and his ex is none to pleased about the relationship. Apparently Ari cozied up to the now-estranged wife and couple’s BABY just a few months before news of the relationship broke. This week, the ex-wifey said Ariana is “Not a girl’s girl.” 

• Tik Tok star Alix Earle and NFL player Braxton Berrios may be over. Despite their “hard launch” at the ESPYs just a few weeks ago, fans are speculating that the summer romance might have burnt out. 

• Earlier this week Senator minority leader Mitch McConnell physically froze up in an on-camera interview and had to be escorted away abruptly before returning a few minutes later. Meanwhile, during a vote on a bill this week, Senator Diane Feinstein awkwardly rambled on before being instructed by a fellow senator and aide to “just say aye.” Maybe we should think about having people run the country who are less 113 fkng years old? 

• Taylor Swift fans caused an earthquake in Seattle. Vibes are real.

• In New York newZ, I’m absolutely loving RHONY. Anyone else?

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FunnieZ

The best part of the week.

Have the best weekend!